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The Retro Republicans: Dole's American Pie

by Stefanie Wasserman | 1996

Situated just south of the Lodgepole River in this Colorado border town, Godfather's Pizza serves as this millenium's version of the town square. It sits between the two stop signs that comprise Lorenzo.

Hermain Cain, President of the Godfather's Pizza chain and would-have-been number two to Bob Dole, was born here. Cain's childhood home has since been re-opened as a museum. It was from Mama Cain's kitchen that Papa Bush delivered his ketchup-is-vegetables speech.

In a tale of fast food and fast talkers, history was made.

* * * *

It was 1988. Lorenzo's town council, the descendants of Italian tomato growers, voted by a show of hands from the original Godfather's Parlor, that thick-crusted pie was too culturally elite.

The result was a little-known law, drafted and signed by Dole.
It regulates that pizza West of the Mississippi will be replaced by thin red-stained corrugated cardboard. Cheese is optional.

In a deft move, the right-to-crusters, headed by Cain, claimed that Dole had no serious business in the pizza industry. And they threatened to sue. The thin (Dole) vs. thick (Cain) war was on.

An experienced Nebraska politician, Cain held a press conference exposing Dole's clear conflict of interest: promoting thin ham and pineapple pies in all states West of Nebraska. He dug up Dole's pineapple legacy. And Cain found proof - as stated in The National Admirer - that Dole's pineapple people were not only in bed with the Nebraska hog farmers, but also the daughter of competitor Domino's.

Pressure from the powerful Sicilian descendents' Web Page followed.
Demanding respect for their crusts, the Sicilians sent e-mail unmatched even by the torrent of their tongues. In rapid response, Dole caved. He revised his campaign platform to have the crusty law repealed.

So you see, this pizza business became a very serious, sticky political situation.
It simply can't be good messaging for the party's previously united platform.

Uh-Uh. That's a serious no-no.

Cain's challenge: How to re-position his sliced-up party?
Spin! He advertised heavily on www.Grandoldparody.com. Then he recruited his Chinese friends with a winning solution: one platform from column A, one platform from column B, another from column C. The combo plate for the combo campaign!
Plus positive-outlook fortune cookies!

* * * *

Meanwhile, back in a chagrined Lorenzo, two-way mirrors were bolted next to every sticky, swirling pizza joint stool in town. Dole and his fellow ham heads succumbed to the tongues of their court-appointed taste testers.

Seeking endorsement, the Thin Crust spoke succinctly. And for 15 minutes of would-be focaccia fame, all 42 citizens of Lorenzo voted patriotically with their palates for their favorite slim-crusted snack. The Original Recipe for Thin Substance took off like a cold, dry Nebraska wind.

It was Republican. And it was Dole's American Pie.

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